The Big Day
Today was the big day. The day every mom anxiously waits for: gender ultrasound day. I was finally going to get to see my little man for the first time since 6w2d when he was just a little blob and a sac. And yes, I knew it was a boy from the blood test taken at around 12 weeks.
I was so excited and yet so nervous. This was my baby! Like, can you believe I was actually having a baby boy? My first child.
I honestly remember the day like it was yesterday it was May 16, 2018 and I was 21w1d pregnant. It was around 9:00am and my appointment was scheduled for 10:00am. My nephew Trent, who was only 18 months at the time, was with me because my sister got married the day before so I planned to keep him for the week. My boyfriend at the time (now husband) was going to meet us at the doctor’s office from work. We get to the doctor’s office, sign in, and fill out the paperwork. This was a different office than my OBGYN. We wait until my boyfriend arrives. Trent is running around the waiting room doing what toddlers do. Then, my name is called. This is it! For some reason I am super nervous. I ask myself, “For what? I’m just going to see my beautiful baby for the first time.” We go in. I lie down. The ultrasound tech comes in and then next thing you know there he is. DeMarcus Bryson is on the screen! I am in aww. That’s my baby right there on the screen, resting peacefully in mommy’s tummy. Now I am thinking about what it’s going to be like when I have him and how I can’t wait to meet him and kiss him and smell him. All the weird things moms like to do. She showed us his face, hands, feet, arms, legs, and confirmed he was indeed a boy.
Then, she went on to check all of his major organs and make sure they were developing and functioning right. Everything was looking good. We heard his heart beat. It was 166 BPM and he weighed one pound, two ounces. She began taking lots and lots of pictures of his heart. At first, I didn’t think anything of it. She said this was normal as she had to check all of his organs and she had taken pictures of everything else. Mind you, this is my very first child so I don’t really know what is supposed to happen at these things. I’m talking to my boyfriend and playing with my nephew, who was beginning to get antsy because he’s a toddler and we are in a small, dark room with nothing for him to do.
After a while, I notice she is taking forever with these pictures and she seems to be taking a bunch of pictures of the same thing at different angles, I know it’s his heart but I have no clue what it’s supposed to look like. It honestly feels as if we have been in this room forever and she’s just taking these pictures and no one is saying anything anymore. The whole vibe changed and in my gut I just know something seriously is wrong with my baby. Finally, she’s done and she says the doctor will speak to us when she gets in and take more pictures of her own. So now here I am a first time mom laying on the table confused, worried and thinking the absolute worst waiting for this doctor to come in and give me some type of clarity as to what is going on. After about 10 minutes, the doctor comes in introduces herself and sits down to start taking pictures of her own. She’s talking to me like everything is normal. She’s really nice and I’m feeling a little at ease. Then, she gets to the heart and she starts going with the pictures.
Just picture after picture and finally she says, “It’s showing up that your baby had a congenital heart defect.” In my mind I’m thinking, “What in the world is that? I had never heard of CHD before. How can my child have this? What did I do wrong? Why me? Why my baby?” So now my mind is all over the place. I’m hearing what she is saying but it’s not registering. She says something about how I’m going to have to see a Pediatric Heart Specialist to confirm that our child has a defect and give us further insight on the defect because this isn’t her specialty. She also adds how I’m going to need to see her frequently because now my pregnancy is high risk and I have to transfer from my current OBYN to a specialist facility with a proper cardiac heart unit and an advanced NICU in either Fort Worth or Dallas. Then, she proceeds to tell me that I need to get a blood test to test for disorders. Even though all of my tests came back negative prior, she said she wanted to retest it just in case. She recommended that I get a amniocentesis to get a more accurate reading on if my child had any chromosomal abnormalities such as Down Syndrome, Trisomy 21 and other complications.
Hearing this as a young, 24 year old first time mom, I’m trying hard not to burst in to tears as she explains the risk and possible miscarriage. She tells me that it’s too late to get an abortion (which by the way never crossed my mind). After all was said and done, we left the doctor’s office with an appointment for Monday to see the Pediatric Cardiologist and another appointment to come back and see her in two weeks.
Holding the ultrasound pictures of my little baby and of course the weight of this life-changing news, I couldn’t have imagined I would hear this today. I was so proud of myself for holding it all together, but as soon as I hit the hallway all of the emotions came flooding and I began sobbing.
My baby, my precious baby. What if I lose him? What if something more is wrong with him? Am I strong enough to take care of him? What did he do to deserve this? What did I do? I cried all the way to the car, through the Chick-Fil-A line, and all the way home. The tears would just not stop coming.
I will forever remember that day because not only was it life changing, but it was the start of a new journey. I grew to love my child more than I possibly could that day and I am proud to say I have a CHD Warrior. He’s a strong baby who motivates me every single day to wake up and be the best mom I can be.