How Becoming A Mother Has Improved My Mental Health
As little girls most of us dream of becoming a mother one day and a wife but when I was growing up that was not me. If you asked me how many kids I wanted I would tell you zero absolutely none, I didn’t really care to get married either. The only thing I was focused on as a child was succeeding in life, I wanted to be this amazing successful young women that my parents could be proud of for years to come. A part of it I believe had to do with being the oldest child, wanting to set a good example for my siblings. The other was just me wanting to feel special or worthy to know I had I purpose. Even today this is something I still struggle with self-worth, self-acceptance, and self-love are all things I have to continuously try and work on day in and day out. Having to tell myself that I didn’t fail at life or that I am worthy of love every day can be draining and it’s a journey but, it’s a journey I know I have to take if I want to someday be the best me I can be. Basically back then I guess I didn’t believe having children an being successful could go hand in hand. I only really started to want to have kids when I was told I more than likely wouldn’t ever be able to have any. It’s something about being told you can’t that makes you want to even more.
However, ever since I can remember I’ve struggled with depression and social anxiety it’s been a constant battle in my life before I even knew what these two things were. It’s something I deal with every day and while I’ve seen therapists, took medicine, practiced my coping skills you name it. I would say the one thing that has truly put me on the right path to owning my mental health and actually trying to get better was becoming a mother.
I am in no way saying the day I got pregnant all my mental health problems went out the window because that’s far from the truth, I still struggle with these things today right now as you are reading this. My pregnancy was in no way picture-perfect, I struggled tremendously throughout the whole process with stress from my son having CHD to the pressure from graduating college and hating my career path. Feeling like I failed at life, not knowing what I wanted to do next, stressing over if I was even fit to be a mother if I would be a good mother if my son's father would still love me after I gave birth. If my parents loved me if anyone on this earth would even care if I left. The list goes on and on. I blamed myself for my son having CHD I hated myself, I hated my life and I just wanted it all to end. I dug myself into one of the deepest and darkest holes I had ever been in throughout my life. Depression felt like it was eating me alive. Looking back now I find it kind of funny how at the time I was so worried about getting postpartum depression, when I had full-blown antepartum or prenatal depression. No one talks about that though it’s always postpartum depression this and postpartum depression that and while it is very serious it’s not the only thing they should warn you about. So here I am going through the trenches when this is supposed to be one of the “most magical times of my life” yet, I had never felt so worthless, alone, and just plain defeated. Why was I being punished, what did I do to deserve this, what did my son do. While this isn’t my proudest moment and I will forever regret it I did try to end my life during my pregnancy. It’s not something I talk about much or even try to think about because from the moment I laid eyes on my son whole perspective of life changed. I knew then that I had to make changes to my life so that I could provide an amazing life for my son. I needed to take my mental health seriously and put it on the back burner no longer. If my son was going to fight for his life so was I. Giving birth to such a strong little boy really showed me how strong I could be, they say God makes no mistakes and while I would rather my son not have CHD I think he put this child in my life even when I wasn’t supposed to have one because he knew it was the push I needed to believe In myself. To see that I had a future, that my purpose in the world was out there, that I was loved. While I’m not perfect, I make mistakes, I backtrack, I still get depressed, some days I even just cry alone in my closet because I feel I’m not worthy of all the love my son gives me. Still I get up every day and fight through because my mental health does not define me. It does not get to decide how great of a mother I am because while being a mother was never originally apart of my plan, it was what I needed.
An while I may just be a stay at home mom and not that fancy doctor I always dreamed of being, I am successful I did NOT fail at life I just took a different path and found my true purpose. I am an amazing mother and I would give my child the world if I could. There is truly no love that compares to the one I have for my son. Being a mother was everything I never knew I needed an more.
So Happy Mothers Day to all you moms out there who struggle daily with your mental health. You are not alone, you are loved, you are worthy and you are amazing. Don’t let your mental health control your story.
