Postpartum Journey: 1 Month Later

So I made it one month postpartum and if I’m being honest with you I really didn’t think I would. Giving birth to my daughter a month ago was a blessing and of course life-changing. However, it also was hard and has been an adjustment for sure. Throughout my pregnancy, I wondered how I was going to adjust to having a newborn and a toddler 2under2 lucky me. Also, I worried a lot about how my son would adjust. I think I was so focused on how he would adjust I didn’t realize just how hard it would all be for me.

It has been quite an eye-opener, after coming home from the hospital with the most obnoxious and intense spinal headache and having to deal with that for over a week. Then once that was finally gone being hit with all of these overwhelming feelings so much that I didn’t even know where the hell they were coming from. Some days all I wanted to do was lay in my bed and cry I was mad at myself, my husband, the universe. Then some days I was fine basking in the joys of having a sweet little newborn until I wasn’t.

Every time I wasn’t it hit me like a ton of bricks, one day I found myself in my closet curled on the floor in a ball crying my eyes out. Wishing it would all go away, all the intrusive thoughts, all the guilt, the feeling of being alone, and worthless. All I wanted to do was make it stop, to make all of the hurt go away. Nothing feels worse than bringing a beautiful baby into the world and not feeling 100 percent like yourself. You hear people talk a lot about postpartum depression and baby blues, and like a normal human probably think that will never happen to me. I’m the exact opposite when I was pregnant with DeMarcus I was certain I was going to get postpartum depression but I didn’t I had antepartum depression which isn’t really talked about. It’s depression you get while pregnant I had it really bad, I had it this last pregnancy too but not as bad as with DeMarcus definitely more manageable.

This is kinda funny to me because people always said "I swear your pregnancy flew by". When really If you paid attention or look back you can see I didn’t post about it that much on social media until the very end because I was too busy suffering in silence. Anyways back to PPD this pregnancy I was for sure I wasn’t getting it because I didn’t get it with DeMarcus. Boy was I all the way wrong, Postpartum depression came knocking on my door ready to move in and turn my world upside down like it was nobody’s business.

I think it may have had a little bit to do with how my labor went and feeling like I was literally going to die, talk about scary. Now I am a pretty stubborn person and I hate asking for help I hate relying on people I just hate even sharing how I feel. But having experience with depression I know I have a tendency to spiral into a very dark place if I don’t take the steps to make changes right away. An I am doing just that I’m speaking up about how I’ve been feeling, I’ve talked to my husband, a few friends, my doctors and I’m doing what I need to do to not let PPD take over my life and rob me of all of my precious time with my daughter and my family.

While it’s hard for me to be so vulnerable about how I’m feeling especially about being a mother, I know I made the right choice by being open and honest. There are still days I’m down in the dumps crying on the bathroom floor, laying in bed all day, letting the thoughts consume me. Thinking about how I’m a horrible mother and how my kids would be better off without me, how I should have just died giving birth, how maybe I never should have had a second baby even though I love my daughter more than she will ever know. The list goes on and on but for now, my only goal is to take it one day at a time.

Enjoy a Few Photos of my little Cuddle Bug during her 1st Month…